


The Game of Love

by Ellynndaria



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynndaria/pseuds/Ellynndaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Douglas Hawke loses his mage to the outrageous idea of family duty and somehow must get the man he loves to come back. M!Hawke/Anders MidActII</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

                Isabela entered Varric’s suite at the Hanged Man, howling with laughter and joining the dwarf, Aveline and Merrill, waiting on their friends for a weekly wind down.  Fenris followed closely on her heels, also uncharacteristically chuckling.  Anders sulked in after them, followed by Douglas Hawke, who was trying desperately not to laugh himself, practically biting his lip near to the point of drawing blood to keep from an outburst.

                “Okay, what’s so funny?” Varric asked, his not the only curiosity being piqued.

                Isabela just pointed at Anders and howled again.

                “Shut up,” Anders hissed.  She flopped in her chair, putting her head down on the table, her body racked with peals of laughter.  Douglas was remaining tight lipped, but sat down at the end of the table opposite Varric with tears in his eyes.  Varric knew he wouldn’t get an answer out of him if it involved Blondie, so he looked to Fenris.  The elf chuckled again looking at Anders, causing the mage to yell out, “Don’t you dare!”

                Fenris smiled wickedly.  “Gamlen called him a girl.”

                Varric chuckled out a “What?” as Aveline spit out her drink, which in turn caused Merrill and Isabela, who were sitting directly opposite, to jump back in disgust.  Douglas couldn’t take it anymore and burst out laughing uncontrollably with tears streaming down his face.

                Isabela recovered after wiping herself off, “He said, and I quote,” doing her best Gamlen impression, “‘I heard you moved that apostate boy into your house… I guess I don’t have to ask which one is the girl.’ I almost died right there.”  The rogues were laughing hysterically, the warriors in a more controlled fashion, and even Merrill was giggling.

                “I’m glad you all find that so funny,” Anders hissed and turned to stalk out, but Douglas grabbed his arm, pulling the mage down into a firm lap. 

                Hawke wrapped his arms around his lover tightly so he couldn’t escape, checking his laughter behind sparkling electric blue eyes.   He kissed the blond’s pouting forehead, “He only said that because you are so much prettier than I am.”

                Anders barked back, “Bullshit.”  A chorus of the same followed from everyone in the room, which furrowed Anders’ brow further, and caused Douglas to raise an eyebrow at them all.  “Why did we have to go see your blighted uncle anyway?”

                “I’m sorry, love.  I didn’t think seeing the man once a year was too much of a bother.”

                “I got my fill when you lived with him,” Anders grumped, crossing his arms across his chest, and his sentiment was also followed by several agreements from the table. 

                Douglas released Anders, resting his arms on the chair’s.  “Again, I’m sorry.  Next time, I’ll go by myself, but family is family, and I thought of all people, the ones here would be the ones to understand that.  If Mother can visit him at least once week, he can’t be all bad.”  He looked pointedly at everyone in the room, who all seemed a bit chagrined by the statement.  His gaze lastly fell on Anders, who was looking down at the floor with his arms still crossed.  Hawke bounced his leg slightly under the mage’s backside causing the blond to look at him, and Douglas raised an eyebrow at him.

                “Sorry, I’m just wondering if your other lovers would have been treated the same way.”

                “What other lovers?”  Douglas asked confused.

                Anders turned around pointing at Fenris, Isabela and Aveline.

                “Aveline and I never…”

                “No, because she was too clueless, but you wanted to.”

                Hawke’s face flushed red with anger or embarrassment or both, “You really want to start this now?”

                “Why not?  Why should I be the only one feeling terrible right now?  Not only do I get zero respect from your family, but to know I was your fourth choice and be the butt of everyone’s jokes because of it.  Sorry, Hawke, that doesn’t exactly put me in a laughing mood.  Do you care at all how I feel right now?”

                “This is not the time for this.”

                “Why not?  Explain to me why you chose them first over me.”

                Douglas stood up almost dumping Anders on the floor, but at the last moment, grabbed the mage’s arm, yanking him up to his feet.  Hawke glared at him before turning and leaving the room.

                “Smooth, Blondie.”

                “Shut up,” Anders answered quietly, looking out the doorway Douglas just left wishing someone had told him that a couple of minutes ago, and he would have listened.


	2. Chapter 2

                Douglas was sitting in a chair in his room, staring into the fireplace lost in thought since he had arrived home from the Hanged Man near an hour ago.  There was a knock on the door, but he ignored it, hoping whoever it was would get the hint and leave.  The door opened and he turned, about to yell at the person entering, but it wasn’t who he thought it was. “Oh.  Hello, Mother.”

                “Bodahn told me you came up here a while ago.”  She looked at her son.  “Are you alright?”

                “Oh, you know me, always the life of the party.”  He smiled meekly at her, but she didn’t seem to be buying it.  “I’m fine, Mother.”  Douglas wasn’t about to tell her he and his lover had a fight because her brother was an ass.

                “In that case, we need to talk.”  She moved closer to stand near the fireplace facing Douglas.  “I’ve been talking to the other nobles in Hightown with available daughters, and I think I may have found a couple suitable matches for you.”

               Douglas looked at her in shock.  This seriously couldn’t be happening right now, could it?  Had he nodded off while staring into the fire?  That would be the only way to explain this nightmare.  He pinched himself to be sure. Yup, bloody hurt, bloody figures.  “You are joking, aren’t you?”

                “Of course not, it’s time for you to settle down.  Start a family to make sure all your hard work doesn’t go to waste.  It is your duty to carry on the family line, and produce an heir to pass all this on to.”

                He huffed a small disbelieving laugh, “ _You are joking, aren’t you?_ ”

                “No, Douglas, I am not.”

                “My duty?”  He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.  “To what?  Go forth and multiply?”

                “This isn’t funny, and it’s time you started considering it.”

                “Oh, I agree, this isn’t funny at all.”

                “With Carver gone, and Bethany in the Circle, that only leaves you.”

                “And Uncle Gamlen, don’t forget him.”

                “Be serious, Douglas.”

                “I am being serious.  Men can have children well int…”

                “I am well aware of this fact, but I think it may be a little late to be pinning the family’s hopes and dreams on him, or again, for that matter.”

                “What a terrible thing to say about your own brother,” Douglas said sarcastically.

                “If you would only meet them…”

                “What about Anders, Mother?”

                “You’ve had your fling, and you will run out of friends soon if you aren’t careful.”

                He looked at her slightly wounded, “Those ‘flings’ were not by choice.”

                “Either way, it still doesn’t say much for him.”

                He stood up then, possibly angry with his mother for the first time in his adult life.  “How dare you try to judge him by things beyond his control.  If you are going to blame anyone for him not being picked first, blame me.”

                “I’m sorry.  I just assumed my son was a good judge of character, and started with the best match for him first.”

                “I have no idea what gave you the impression I was a good judge of character.  Have you met any of my friends?”

                “This isn’t a point to argue anyway.  He can’t give you an heir.”

                “I love him, he lives in my house, and I’m not leaving him just because he can’t give me an heir.”

                “Duty is often put above love, but arrangements can be made to accommodate certain… needs.”

                Douglas burst into hysterical laughter, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.  “This is the most disturbing and hypocritical argument I have ever heard in my life, for I would rather not discuss my _needs_ with you, and you are certainly one to talk about putting duty before love.”

                “It was not the same Douglas.  Your Uncle Gamlen was here to carry on the family line.”

                Douglas started pacing back and forth, throwing glances at her varying between shock and anger.  His mother had to have known this wasn’t going to go well otherwise she still wouldn’t be standing here arguing about it.  “Maybe, I should have never gone to the Deep Roads, and left us down in that Lowtown hovel, and then maybe, it would have been enough that I was just happy and in love.  Or maybe, better still, I could have gotten eaten by the darkspawn and never come to this blighted city to get in any of this mess in the first place.”

                “Don’t say that, Douglas.”

                “Why not?  It seems no matter what I do, succeed or fail, it will only bring me heartache in the end.”

                Leandra sighed, looking at her son with concern, “That is my real fear, Douglas.  Anders is an apostate, a Grey Warden.  One day, you are going to be my age and completely alone.  One day, he will be caught by the Circle or claimed by the Wardens, and then you will have no one.  It would be better to end it now, and start fresh while you are still young then to wait until it may be too late.”

                “Then it will be my duty is to stand by and protect him.  I will not leave him alone out of fear of what may come later, nor give him up over some name and a pile of bricks.”

                “Like you protected Bethany and Carver?”

                His jaw felt like it literally hit the floor, and his voice was a harsh whisper, “Why don’t you just slap me next time, it would probably hurt less.  But no, not like Bethany and Carver.  I will learn from my mistakes and try to do better next time.  That’s all I can promise, and that is my decision.”

                “Douglas, please just think about what I said.”

                 Her persistence was irritating him, he had never yelled at his mother before, but he was getting very close or at the very least telling her to leave.  A thought occurred to him, Anders had said his family didn’t respect him, no wonder he had been so angry over what should have been just Gamlen being an ass and everyone having a good laugh about it. He squinted at her.  “What did you say to Anders?”

                “Nothing really, just that it would be your duty to produce heirs.”

                “You told my male lover, who lives with me, that I love, I need to impregnate women?”

                “I suppose if you want to look at it like that…”

                Douglas cut her off there by leaving the room.


	3. Chapter 3

                Douglas went back to the Hanged Man and entered Varric’s room slightly out of breath from running the whole way at a near sprint, almost breaking his legs a couple times by jumping/falling down the stairs.  Fenris and Isabela were still there playing cards, and but he ignored them, asking the dwarf, “Where’s Anders?”

                “He left just a little while ago with Aveline to take Daisy home, or suffice to say Aveline went with them.”

                “Anders volunteered to take Merrill home?”  Normally Hawke walked her home to make sure she was safe before picking up Anders back at the Hanged Man and going home together.  To say the two mages didn’t exactly get along was an understatement.  He also figured Anders would have left shortly after he did, but decided to stop at the tavern just in case on his way to Darktown, but he wasn’t exactly thinking too clearly when he decided to check the tavern first.

                Hawke turned and left for the alienage.  Almost to the stairs heading down to the elf district, he ran into Aveline but with no mages.  “Aveline. Where’s Anders?” he couldn’t help sounding slightly desperate and angry.

                “I went to talk to one of my men by the entrance to the docks, and he slipped away when my back was turned,” she sounded apologetic. “Don’t worry though, you cleared that out months ago, and Donnic has kept up a patrol down there.”

                Douglas was sure Aveline had faith in her man, but he didn’t, not when it came to protecting Anders, and he took off at a sprint again.  Why would he go to the docks?  Darktown was bad enough, but at least the refugees there knew him and would leave him alone.  The full moon at least aided his search somewhat as he looked in every nook and cranny, and the Qunari guard eyed him suspiciously at this late hour.  Douglas’ heart was thundering in his ears out of fear, and he almost resorted to screaming out Anders’ name as he came to end of one of the concrete piers when he turned to see a lone figure sitting on a crate on the next pier over: the one for the Gallows. 

                He ran around to it, stopping short before fully entering to catch his breath and spotted Donnic keeping a silent vigil in the shadows.  Douglas closed his eyes in shame for having a doubt about the other man before nodding his appreciation and walking out onto the hated pier.  The prison that contained his sister loomed in the distance, the light of the moon not even wanting to grace its presence.  The mage was just staring out at the Templar’s jail from his claimed crate seat.  “Anders?”

                The mage was silent for a few moments as Douglas continued to approach him, “It is inevitable, isn’t it?”

                “What is, love?” Douglas stopped right behind Anders.

                “That one day, I am going to leave you all alone,” the mage’s voice cracked slightly. 

                “Oh, I don’t know, I’m sure Uncle Gamlen will still be kicking around just to annoy me,” Douglas joked, letting on he knew what Anders was referring to. He rested his hands on his lover’s shoulders and gave them a slight squeeze.

                Anders sighed, “Your mother was right though, you should be with someone who can give you a future, not just …”

                “My mother was wrong Anders, and no matter what either of you say, I’m not giving you up that easy.  You are not a fling; you never were.”

                “That’s what you thought about the others, too.”

                “Well, maybe that’s where I went wrong.  Can you see me following all the rules?  Or agreeing mages are evil?  And Isabela just showed up one night. I think that was just the lust talking, because I have no idea what happened there. Although, I would be one sexy pirate.”

                “Well there you go, she can give you an heir.”

                Douglas burst out laughing, “Me and Isabela?  Having children?  You must have completely lost your mind since the last time I saw you.  Which does remind me, why are you sitting here?”

                Anders ignored the question, “You are probably wrong this time, too. We were both wrong, I warned you from the beginning.”

                “And then, you kissed me.”

                “After nearly four years of wanting to,” Anders defended his restraint.

                “See, four years wasted we can’t get back.”

                “Well, you were running around kissing everyone else, you didn’t have time to kiss me.”

                “You kept turning me away,” Douglas defended his restraint. “Wait, are we arguing now about why we didn’t get together sooner?”

                Anders sighed again, “It doesn’t matter; we both know why we weren’t together before.  What matters is we can’t be together now.”

                “Why not?”

                “You have a duty to your family, and I can’t help you with that.”

                “Is this the part where I am supposed to point out you haven’t asked me how I feel about all this?”

                “It doesn’t matter.”

                “So, I am just supposed to sit back and let everyone else decide my future for me?”

                “Well somebody needs to, you don’t take anything seriously.”

                “Yes, Mother.”  Anders bristled under Douglas’ hands at the jab. “No one is going to decide this for me, Anders.”

                “You aren’t the only one with a say in this decision.”

                “But you are?”

                “I’m trying to do what’s right.”

                Douglas was slightly perturbed at this statement. “For me, without asking for any input from me.  Well, I’m glad to know everyone feels the need to treat me like a child.”

                “So, stop acting like one.”

                Douglas removed his hands from the mage’s shoulders before he decided to wring Anders’ neck, “I’m acting like a child because I’m fighting for the man I love while he’s rolling over because mommy and uncle don’t approve?”

                Anders jumped up, whirling around to face Douglas. “You are acting like a child, because once again you are running from your responsibilities by hiding behind something that isn’t going anywhere.”

                “What are you saying, Anders?  That when you told me you loved me, you were lying?”

                “Of course not, but it is somewhat hard for me to believe when you say it, and I don’t want to be your excuse this time.”

                “Then please enlighten me on what responsibilities I have run from.”

                Anders pointed towards the Gallows, “I don’t want to end up like you sister, Hawke.”

                For the second time in the same night Bethany had been used against him, and Douglas retorted, “And I suppose when I told Cullen he could take her over my _dead_ body that was, what, a joke?  Or maybe I just dreamt it.  Oh, I know, tomorrow, I’ll go to the Gallows and see if Cullen remembers this, too.  You can come with me, I’m sure you two have a lot to catch up on.” It sounded like a threat even to him, and he instantly regretted saying it, more so after Anders’ pained reaction.  “Anders, I…”

                “Don’t.” Anders threw up his hand between them and walked away.

                “Is that it then?  That is your decision?”

                “Yes,” the mage called over his shoulder without stopping. 

                Douglas stood there in shock for a few moments, watching Anders leave him before growling in frustration and running after him.  He grabbed the other man’s shoulders and spun the mage around to face him. “You do not get off that easy, Anders.  You don’t get to make a decision like this without hearing me first.”

                “What does it matter?”

                “It matters because before I got here I decided to stand by and protect the man I love, and that hasn’t changed.  I love you, whether you want to believe it or not, so please, don’t do this to me, Anders.  Not over some idiotic nobles’ notion of duty.”  Douglas searched his lover’s face, finding it unreadable and unaffected by his plea, and with one last act of desperation, Douglas kissed him, trying to prove through action, if not words, how he felt.  

                Anders was tense at first, but quickly became more accepting.  The rogue felt the other man start to lift his arms to return the embrace, but at the last second, the arms fell back to their sides, and the mage stopped responding.  Douglas continued to try in vain to coerce a reaction but failed.  He finally broke the kiss without looking at the other man again.  He swallowed back the bile rising in his throat, staring at the ground before letting Anders go and saying, “Lead the way.”

                “You don’t have to…”

                “I made my decision.”  Anders watched him for a while longer, but Douglas couldn’t meet his eye, and with the night the rogue was having, there was no way he was going to let the mage wander the streets alone, so he stood by waiting.  Anders finally turned making his way back to his Darktown clinic with Douglas following a short distance behind in silence. 

                Once they had arrived, Douglas took a look around at the place where they had first met.  Anders looked almost exhausted now as he did then.  Hawke stopped a couple feet away from the mage, finally forcing himself to meet the other man’s gaze.  Douglas grabbed Anders’ hand and asked, “So tell me healer, how does one go about fixing this?” placing the long slender fingers of the mage’s hand against his own heart. “I think it might be broken.” 

                Anders quickly looked away, and Douglas let him off the hook by laughing pathetically at his own stupid joke before bringing the hand to his lips for a quick kiss.  Without another word, the rogue turned and headed for the door before Anders could see the tears in his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

               Hawke slammed the front door so hard it bounced back at him, and he wrestled savagely with it, debating about just ripping it from its hinges before it complied with his demand.  He stood there huffing at it for a few moments, daring it to come back open, but it refused.  Bodahn was tiredly waiting in his normal spot as Douglas stomped angrily through the entry. "Ah, you have returned Messere-"

                "I told you not to wait up for me anymore; I'm not a bloody child!  If I need anything at this time of the night, I know how to get it myself!"

                "Yes, Messere."

                Douglas swallowed at the dwarf, shame crossing his face over his outburst. "I'm sorry, Bodahn, I shouldn't be yelling at-"

                "Douglas?" his Mother's voice called him from the top of the stairs, "Why are you yelling like that?"

                "YOU!"  He stalked over to the bottom of the stairs, jabbing a finger at his mother. "You stay out of my love life!  And if you ever see Anders again, you will apologize!  You and your blasted brother!"

                "If?  Douglas, I..."

                He slammed the door to the study in answer after he disappeared behind it, running his fingers through his hair and pacing back and forth in front of the fire.

                "If huh?"

                  Douglas looked up startled to see Isabela leaning over the railing of the loft.  "What are you doing here?"

                "I drew the short stick."

                "I thought Varric was the short stick."

                Isabela chuckled, "I'm sure he would let that one slide in your current state of distress."

                "You aren't carving obscene things in my railings again are you?"

                "Of course not," she replied, sliding the dagger she was holding back into its scabbard.  Douglas raised an eyebrow at her.  She raised one back, "You still haven't answered my question."

                "What question?"

                " _If_ your mother sees Anders again, doesn't he live here?"

                "I don't remember you asking that."

                "Evade, evade, evade.  Good thing they sent me and not Aveline.  She would be pummeling it out of you by now, but I know your tricks."

                "What tricks?"

                "Where's Anders?"

                "At home."

                "And yet he isn't here."

                "There are other places."

                "I haven't seen him come back since I've been here, and I came straight here after Aveline told us you followed him to the docks."

                Douglas walked to where the spirits were located, pouring a drink and slamming it back before pouring another.  "If you want one, you'll have to come get it." He swallowed the second.

                She held up a bottle.  "I brought my own." She watched him intently; he wasn't a large drinker which is why she brought her own bottle.  He poured himself another.  "You may want to slow down, big fella. I don't exactly want to see all that come back up."

                He laughed, "It won't."

                "Closet drinker?"

                "Natural high tolerance."

                "Interesting."

                This profession had its perks, drinking usually being one of them, and to be able to do so without pretending and keep his head at the same time was a major bonus.  Now, he just had to drink fast for it to have any effect at all.  Douglas asked, "So why are you here?"

                "Curiosity.  You know me, I have to know what's going on."

                "Yet you drew the short stick... right.  Want to try the next lie or just skip to the truth?"

                "We were concerned."

                "So you came here to what? Bug me and tell them all about it?"

                "Exactly. Where's Anders?"

                "I told you: he's at home."

                "So, I know he isn't here, which means I can safely assume he doesn't live here any longer if he is at home."  Douglas didn't look at her, staring off in the distance as he poured himself another drink and swallowing it.  "Is it also safe to assume that this wasn't your choice?"

                "Why?"

                "Most people don't yell at their mothers to stay out of their love lives and apologize to their ex if they chose to break up."

                "Then yes."

                "What did she do?"

                He took another drink and then laughed, "She told Anders I had to produce heirs, and then Anders told me that we, you and I we," pointing at himself and then Isabela, "should have children."  He laughed again.

                "Did he lose his mind?"

                "That's what I said!"  He laughed at the absurdity of it all before groaning and flopping himself in a chair in front of the fire.  Isabela came down the stairs, and stood in front of him, topping of his glass before retreating a safe distance.  He looked at her, "Are you sure the one that should be here right now?"

                "Well, I guess we could have sent Varric, but you know how sexy he is. I think he was scared to come in your highly emotional state."

                "Good point," Douglas said sarcastically.

                "I could go get Sebastian."

                "Oh Maker help you if you did that."

                Isabela laughed, "What? Not in the mood for the Maker works in mysterious ways, trust in Him, spiel?"

                "No."

                She leaned against the wall, "Well, I guess that leaves me then, Fenris would be too happy about all this, and Big Girl and Kitten are too clueless."

                "You don't have to stay."

                "And leave you here with all these defenseless doors and poor Bodahn?  No, I think I'll hang around for a while."

                He sighed at her, "You were right, I should have stayed in Lowtown.  Now it's supposed to be my duty to have a kid to leave all this..." waving his hand around wildly, "to.  And to top it all off, Anders agrees and dumps me because of it."

                "Is that what he said?"

                "Something about leaving me all alone, something about me having kids with you, something about me acting like a child, something about he doesn't believe me when I say I love him, something about me not being serious and getting him locked in the Gallows, or something." The alcohol was starting to take effect, and he closed his eyes.

                "Why doesn't he believe you when you say you love him?"

                "Oh I don't know, probably because I flirt with almost everything with a pulse, and thought I was in love with all of you."

                "Were you?"

                Douglas eyebrow’s raised in surprised even though his eyes were still closed. "Seriously?  Could you see me with Aveline or Fenris?"

                She laughed, "A mage loving rogue who can pop a lock better than I? Not so much."

                "Well, there you go."

                There was silence for a several moments before Isabela asked, "And me?"

                Douglas opened his eyes and looked at her, taking another drink before answering, "I thought maybe at the time I could if given the chance, but I wasn't."

                "And now it's too late."

                Douglas said miserably, "Well, maybe not now."

                Isabela snorted, "Sorry, I think I'll pass on the man who's in love with someone else."

                "Probably one of your better ideas."

                "So, what's the plan?"

                "Plan?"

                "For getting him back."

                "I don't know; I'm still trying to wrap my currently buzzing head around the idea he left me in the first place."

                "Well, what do you want?  All this?" Isabela waved her hand around wildly like he had. "Or him?"

                "I don't want any of this.  I want to be sitting in the Hanged Man with all my friends, laughing at the craziness of this blighted city, and then pull Anders into my lap, and while looking into his amber eyes, forget for just a minute about all the pain we left in Ferelden, about my sister locked in the Gallows and that every time I turn around someone is wanting something of me, because the only thing being asked of me in that moment is to love him."

                "Okay, I don't know whether to swoon or vomit right now."

                "If you are going to vomit, do it somewhere over there," he waved his hand vaguely in the direction behind his chair, "unless you want company."

                "Alright well, we'll figure out something, but right now, we need to get you upstairs before you end up sleeping in that chair."

                "Good idea." He stood up, and his head started spinning.  He giggled, "I forgot what this felt like."  He tried to take a step before falling back into the chair. "Whoa, maybe I should just sleep here."

                "Oh, no. Let's go.  You will not be thanking me tomorrow when your head is pounding, your heart is broken, and your body is stuck in weird positions if I left you here."  

                It took some effort, but they finally got Douglas upstairs and into his bedroom.  After he crawled into bed, he muttered, "Thanks, Isabela," before passing out.

                She just shook her head and left, shutting the door behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

                Douglas’ head was throbbing the next morning, but was quickly forgotten when he remembered why.  He rolled over to make sure it hadn’t all been some sort of Hanged Man induced nightmare, but the other side of the bed was cold and empty. How his heart could still be functioning properly while stuck in the vise it was in was beyond him, there could be no real way for blood to be circulating through something clenched so tight.  Douglas jumped out of bed and wobbly raced from the room, knowing if he would have lain there any longer, he would end up spooning a pillow and sobbing.  The bright light shining through the windows had him retreating in blindness and pain as he slammed up side the wall in escape.

                Feminine chuckling assaulted his ears, “I was wondering when you were going to get up.”

                “Did you stay the night?” he croaked, looking at Isabela through mostly closed eyes.

                “No, although I think Bodahn was a bit surprised to find me on the doorstep so early.”

                “You didn’t just let yourself in?”

                She laughed again, “Not this time.”

                “Please stop laughing,” he begged.

                “Ah, so I was right about the hangover then.”

                “And the heartbreak.”

                “Well, at least I do not have to tug your body out of contortionist poses.  Come on, let’s go fix the head at least.”  Isabela lead him down stairs and back to bottle he drown himself in last night, and poured him a glass before handing it over.

                “Why didn’t you just stay if you were going to come back so early?”  He took it, and with a sigh, downed the glass.

                “One, it isn’t so early, and two, do you honestly think it would be good for Anders to think you had replaced him so easily?”

                “Which also explains the not letting yourself in.”

                “So the brain isn’t completely useless this morning, good.  Now, we just need to come up with a plan to get him back which could be a bit tricky since he is a man, but a sensitive one.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “I mean, if we were working with a full on male you would go the jealousy route. If full on female, begging and flattery, but this is kind of both.”

                “Jealousy?”

                She cocked an eyebrow at him, “Anders is in the Hanged Man. A pretty redhead is talking to him…”

                Douglas smiled mischievously, “I see your point,” but the memory played out leading to crestfallen features.  “I have to get him back, Isabela.”

                “Just keep reminding yourself who he said he belonged to,” Isabela said slyly, smirking at her own memory of that night.  “So, what’s on the agenda for the next few weeks?”

                “Weeks?” Douglas squeaked, flopping down in the chair.

                “Anders is a bit stubborn, or hadn’t you noticed?  Once he gets a notion in his head, he doesn’t let it go easily.”

                “Can’t I just go straight for the begging?”

                “OH no, if you go begging him now, it will only push him away more.”

                “Well, I told Emeric I would talk to that DuPuis guy, and I got a letter from the mage underground asking me for help.”

                “The mage underground is good, we can work with that.” Isabela looked him over. “Alright, this disheveled look works, let’s go.”

                “Where?”

                “You are going to go talk to him, but you are not going to go beg, just checking on him, that is all.  Understand?  No begging.”

                “I don’t know if I can do it.”

                She sighed, and grabbed his arm, yanking him out of the chair, “Let’s go.”

*   *  *

                Douglas was standing outside Anders’ clinic, rooted in place, when there was a small shove from behind, pushing him through the door.  Luckily, Anders’ back was turned, so he didn’t catch the rogue tripping all over himself or the nasty look he shot over his shoulder back through the entrance.  Douglas sighed, he did want to know if Anders was okay at least, and he proceeded slowly forward.  The clinic had a few patients, so at least the mage could be slightly distracted from all this mess, but not so busy he wouldn’t have a moment to talk.

                Douglas swallowed his nerves the best he could, whispering softly, “Anders?”

                The mage jumped like the rogue had shouted and tensed up before turning around.  Douglas had stopped a few feet away, and he wondered if looked as tired and distraught as Anders did. Douglas fought back the urge to pull the other man into his arms and tell him everything was going to be alright, even if at that very moment he felt his whole world was falling apart.

                Anders swallowed. “Need me to help kill something already?”

                Douglas shook his head in denial, “No. I think I am going to take a couple of personal days.  Go hide under the bed or something, so no one can find me.  Or maybe the chantry, no one would look for me there.”

                Anders crossed his arms across his chest and tried to sound annoyed, but it didn’t exactly come out the way he wanted, “So, what are you doing here, then?”

                Douglas shrugged, “I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

                Anders’ face softened slightly. “As well as to be expected, I suppose.”

                Douglas nodded, at least he hadn’t said he was fine or something else more reassuring, the rogue doubted he could have taken that even if he thought it was a lie.  “You look tired.” He looked around the clinic; the idea of Anders trying to sleep here again completely disturbed him.

                “Thanks?”  Douglas looked at him and snorted at the response, maybe he had rubbed off a little on the mage. “So do you.”

                “My bed was cold, something I need to get used to, I guess.”

                “I’m sure you’ll have that problem fixed in no time,” Anders replied icily.

                “I’m sure, but waking up to Loki’s dog breath every morning isn’t exactly highly appealing. Plus, he is more of a bed hog than a cuddler,” Douglas replied, referring to his Mabari war hound.  Anders vaguely smiled at that, and Douglas was glad his brain was still functioning enough at the moment to come up with such a quick and appropriate response when he’s initial reaction was to snap back if Anders didn’t like the thought of someone else in his bed he shouldn’t have left it. 

               Their gazes met for an instant before Anders jerked his away quickly. A strand of blond hair wrenched loose by the action, and Douglas instinctive reached out, brushing it back behind the mage’s ear before he realized what he was doing.  Anders looked back at Douglas as the rogue yanked his hand away.  Douglas’ mouth moved up and down a few times before an apology fumbled out, “I’m… I’m sorry,” being the one who looked away this time, staring at the ground. 

               Douglas took a jagged breath before muttering, “Well, uh, I’m glad you are okay.  I will, uh, see you later,” and he made a hasty retreat.

                Isabela pounced on him as soon as he walked through the door, “That was perfect!”

                Douglas whispered, “Get me out of here.”

*   *   *

                Douglas couldn’t face going back to the estate, so they went to The Hanged Man instead, hiding out in Varric’s room.  Hawke dropped his head to the table with a thud. “Yes, that’s what she told him.”

                Varric chuckled, “I couldn’t make this shit up.”

                “Yup, this is my life… one big, colossal joke of the Maker.”

                Varric tried to stop chuckling, “Don’t worry about it.  Everyone knows Blondie loves you.  He’ll come back.”

                “But now you need to politely avoid him,” Isabela instructed.

                Douglas looked up with a raised eyebrow, “Politely avoid?  That sounds like an oxymoron.”

                “Yes.  You stay away from him as much as possible.  Start giving him the chance to miss you, and then if you accidentally bump into him, talk to him like he's just some old acquaintance.  How’s the weather, the family, yada yada, no mention of you two.” She studied him a moment before adding, “and try not to look like you do now.”

                “And how do I look now?”

                “Completely hopeless.”

                “Wonderful; at least I look like I feel,” Douglas said, slumping back in his chair.

                Isabela tried to reassure him, “This will work on both fronts.  The girly side of him will start to go bonkers, wondering why you haven’t come around, and the male side’s ego gets wounded.”

                “I’m beginning to wonder if this is a good idea.”

                “And you’ll what, just go back to you begging option?”

                Varric cut in, “You can’t do that. Blondie’s too stubborn for that to work.”

                Isabela threw her hands up in an ‘ _I told you so_ ’ gesture.

                Douglas sighed, “I did tell him I was going to go hide under my bed for a couple of days, I guess this is where that would come into play.”

                Varric said, “We aren’t going to let you do that, Hawke.”

                Isabela agreed, “We’ll keep you occupied.”

                “Why does this sound scarier than actually following your advice in the first place?”

                Varric reassured, “Trust us, Hawke; we aren’t going to let you down.”

                Douglas sighed and dropped his head against the table again.


	6. Chapter 6

                Douglas had spent nearly a week completely at Varric and Isabela's mercy in hopes his friends could actually keep his mind off of Anders, but nothing was really working.  The rogue avoided his house like the Blight.  His mother had tried to smooth things over by suggesting it would all work out for the best, as if that was actually helpful, but it had only succeeded in making him angrier.  Douglas was also pretty certain if he apologized to Bodahn one more time the dwarf might slug him, but he couldn't help it.  Every time Douglas looked at the dwarf, he was overcome with guilt.  Once, Sandal innocently asked where Anders was, and Douglas stared at him stupefied and unable to come up with an answer he was even sure the boy could understand.  After the young dwarf looked sad, Hawke tried to reassure him Anders would be back soon while trying not to cry out in agony himself.  Bodahn tried apologizing himself then, but after that the rogue stayed at The Hanged Man as much as possible. 

               Douglas would have slept on the table in Varric's room had he actually thought he would have been able to, but he had always been one to only be able to sleep in his own bed and trudged home every night, hoping that the exhaustion he was feeling would quickly claim him, but he was wrong.  Every night he went back later than the night before in a vain attempt to not look at the empty side of the bed with longing tears, and every night he failed. 

                Now, once again, he was sitting in Varric's room.  His mood had become increasingly sour the past few days, but was being generously tolerated.  "I need to kill something," Douglas growled.

                Varric shrugged, "I heard something last night about a miner in the Bone Pit who had been missing for a while coming back and trying to eat the other workers.  You know that place is nothing but trouble; we could check it out."

                "Ah, the Bone Pit, never a disappointment of 'if you thought your life was bad, come work here.'  They seriously just need to stop digging."

                "Well, you are partly the boss, aren't you?"

                "I think I may just be the muscle. Free labor with a pretty title."

                "Ah.  Well, who shall we call on today?"

                "Aveline and Merrill."  Varric nodded his head slowly, and Douglas knew why. Hawke had never gone anywhere without Anders before.  From the moment they had met, Douglas had counted on him, and the mage's views had turned him into a trusted friend before a lover.  "Anders hates enclosed spaces.  We'll just pick up a few more potions on the way," Douglas quickly explained as if the dwarf wouldn't know that was just an excuse.

                "Right. Well, let's go, Bianca."

 

*   *   *

 

                "Ugh, you smell awful," Isabela complained.

                "Well, the smell of rotting flesh has never been my first choice of cologne." She looked at Douglas with a raised eyebrow, and he further explained, "Undead in the Bone Pit."

                "Why didn't you go home and take a bath first?" At his pained expression, she quickly added, "Or jump off the pier at the Docks?"

                "In this armor?  It would get ruined," he said of his leather overcoat with white fur trim.

                "No, you prat.  Take it off.  Think of the scandal that would cause your mother, Douglas Hawke swimming in his smallclothes for all of Kirkwall to see."

                "Forget the smallclothes, let's go for nude."

                "That would surely cast your name in disgrace, and no one would want to marry you then."

                "Added Bonus!"

                "Aveline would have to arrest you though.  Parade you all around the city with not but your hands to cover your shame," Isabela tsk tsked him.

                "Shame?  I suspect that's an insult."

                Isabela actually blushed, and he smiled widely at her. "Ugh, go home."

                "Fine," he grumbled, "Save me a seat for later."

                "Always."

                Douglas turned with a sigh, leaving The Hanged Man for home to bathe and try to avoid every other living soul who lived there and no doubt relive more painful memories of those who didn't.

 

*   *   *

 

                Douglas tried to enter the estate silently, but knew Bodahn would be in his regular spot, and stealth was out due to his smell.  He tried not to look at them, but Bodahn spoke to him in a hushed whisper, "You have a visitor, Messere."

                Douglas looked at him, and the dwarf's eyes were a bit wide. "A visitor?"

                The dwarf looked toward the study, and Douglas followed his gaze to find Anders walking through the doorway.  "What are you doing here?" Douglas asked in mostly shock but also tinged with anger.

                "I came to see how you were doing," he answered, looking over Douglas' gore covered armor with a look of hurt, "I believe you have been avoiding me. I thought we would at least still be friends."

                Douglas swallowed, "We can. I just need some time."

                Anders crossed his arms. "I see.  And how much time did you spend ignoring Isabela and Fenris?"

                "I didn't, but you knew that didn't you?  I'm sorry, but I can't just turn off how I feel like some people." Douglas walked past the mage and started to go up the stairs to his room, thinking this conversation was clearly done.

                "Color me amazed, you are still acting like a child."

                Douglas turned back on Anders seething, but the expression on Sandal's face clearly displayed the young dwarf was starting to get upset.  He stomped back down the stairs and into the study, standing clear of the door so Anders could follow and shutting it behind them.  Anders had walked clear across the room, and Douglas didn't move from the door. "And you wonder why I am avoiding you?  You were just standing in the middle of my house, throwing a tantrum, and yet have the nerve to call me a child..."

                "I was not.  I was pointing out the facts, because you still cannot see what I have done was for you."

                "And what facts did you point out?  That you still think I was a whore before I met you?  I clearly didn't love Fenris or Isabela, because I didn't mope around about them?  Well you are partially right, I didn't love them nearly as much as I loved you.  So, if you are trying to do me some sort of favor again: stop.  I don't think I can take any more of your good deeds."

                "I am trying to tell you, unlike Fenris and Isabela, I didn't turn off my feelings.  I still love you, and I didn't leave you over something selfish," Anders pleaded with him to understand.

                "No, you left me over something that I thought was fairly clear from the start when two men start sleeping together."

                "So, you're saying you have never wanted children then?"

                "I wanted you, whatever that meant.  Whatever the so called consequences, because to me, it would have been worth it."

                "Well, it isn't worth it to me to stand by and watch you throw your life away like an idiot."

                Douglas stared at Anders for near a minute with angry tears filling his eyes before he shook his head and said, "So, you came to see how I was, did you?  Didn't think I felt bad enough already, thought a few more insults would do the trick?  Well, you failed Anders. I couldn't possibly feel any worse than I already did.  So, if that was all, I believe you know your way out," and this time Douglas made sure the argument was over by calmly leaving the study before bolting up the stairs to his bedroom with another slammed door.


	7. Chapter 7

                Isabela groaned loudly from her normal position leaning over the bar, "I said _politely_ avoid!  It was working!"

                Douglas shot back, "What was I suppose to do when the man shows up at my house and starts insulting me?"

                "Ignore it."

                He huffed, "How do you ignore something like that?"

                "By walking away, _politely_ excusing yourself.  You were covered in guts; you had a perfect reason."  Douglas frowned.  "Let me ask you something, Hawke.  Why do you think he insulted you?"

                "Because he's an ass."

                "Okay, and why did you insult him?"

                "I didn't."

                "You just did."

               "He hurt me!"

                She threw her hands up and slightly out by her shoulders, but Douglas looked at her blankly. "He's hurting, too. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have came by in the first place."

                "He wants to be friends."

                "Stop being daft; he told you he loves you. Do you tell Varric that?"

                "Oh, that one time.  Is it going to haunt me forever?" Douglas joked.

                She rolled her eyes at him but smiled. "So, he loves you.  What now?"

                "I don't know. I guess I failed at your last trick."

                "True, and if you avoid him now, it could go badly." Isabela started pacing back and forth.  An idea struck her, but she seemed unsure about it, looking at Douglas uncertainly.

                "What?"

                "You need to apologize."

                He frowned and raised an eyebrow at her. "What did I do?"

                "You hurt his feelings by avoiding him."

                "Because you told me to."

                "I know that, he doesn't.  Tell him you thought that's what he wanted."

                He growled, "I still don't see why I am supposed to apologize."

                "Listen, _if_ you want him back, then you need to do this.  If he's the girl," she threw up her hands to ward off an attack, "and I'm not saying he is, but something you should have learned by now, the girl is _always_ right, even if she is wrong."

                "That's the craziest thing I have ever heard, and Anders is _not_ a girl."

                "I know he's not." She tried a different approach, "but think about who will look like the bigger man by apologizing first, the most adult."  Douglas raised an eyebrow at her; he knew she was trying to trick him.  "Fine, think about this then: Anders said he still loves you, right?  You said what?"

                He thought about it, "I said I loved him."

                "Okay.  If you leave him stewing while thinking you don't love him _now_ , he's going to start moving on.  So, you need to think about this, what do you _really_ want?  Not just right now, but all of it, wife, kids, what?  And you need to figure it out soon.  But come on, I already saw Kitten and Big Girl go up to Varric's room; it's that time of the week again."

 

*   *   *

 

                Had it only been a week?  It seemed like a lot longer to Douglas, and of course, Anders didn't come to The Hanged Man that night.  It was a bit awkward. Everyone was trying not to upset him when what he really needed was it to be just like all the other times before last week, but of course, it wouldn't have been without Anders anyway.  Maybe it was so different because he was thinking about something else: _what did he want?_ Maybe in some strange way this was all trying to tell him something. He had never really thought about it, perfectly content just to live the current day to the fullest.  Other than the constant threat of being eaten by huge, pointy teeth or running off to kill something for someone else, he liked his life. 

               He looked around the table, wishing he could go back two weeks ago and just freeze his life there.  Everyone had been laughing and having a good time.  The man he loved was by his side, and with no sense of impending doom.  Tonight after Aveline agreed to take Merrill home for him, Douglas excused himself early, giving his friends the privacy they needed to talk behind his back like he knew they were dying to.  Plus, he had his own thinking to do, and with five pairs of eyes on him, it was slightly difficult.

                Douglas sighed, now wondering what he was doing standing outside this locked door so late after another unsuccessful attempt to sleep.  He reached into one of his pockets, pulling out his set of lock picks, and easily disengaged the lock before silently slipping inside.  That was too easy, especially for Darktown and all the Coterie running around.  He would have to fix that.  He stood there letting his eyes adjust to the dim light filtering in through the windows, but the unmistakable sound of sobbing hit his ears.  Once he was certain he could see well enough not to trip over anything, he followed the crying toward the back of the room, stopping near a cot where Anders had his back toward the rogue.  The sound tore at Douglas' heart, but he had come for a reason, and tried to keep his voice even when he spoke, "What's the matter?"

                There was a startled breath, but the mage made no move to turn, answering simply, "I still love you."  That's all he said, all that really needed to be. 

                Douglas nodded his understanding even though there was no one to see it, "I love you, too."  There was a long silence, each suffering their thoughts about this situation.  "We need to talk."  The rogue sat down near Anders' feet, facing away from the other man and trying not to think how uncomfortable and cold the mage must be. "Or at least I do.  I didn't come to argue, so just hear me out."

                After a moment of silence, Anders agreed, "Alright."

                "First, I want to apologize. I was not trying to hurt you by avoiding you. I just couldn't be near you.  It hurt too much to see you and try to pretend I am fine when I am not.  Truth be told, it's the reason I am here now instead of waiting for morning. I'm also afraid that if I could see you, I would lose my nerve to talk at all, or worse still, say things I do not mean.  I would have apologized for waking you, but I'm almost certain I didn't..."

                "You didn't."

                "I haven't been sleeping well either," Douglas said, lightly squeezing Anders' ankle sympathetically before returning his hand to his own lap.  Douglas sighed slightly before continuing, "I have been thinking about what you said, and I am trying to understand your motivations, but the part I guess I am having a problem comprehending is no one knew what I wanted before they started making decisions about my life.  No one had bothered to ask.  I hadn't even asked myself, but that's who I am. I live in the moment, and I thought the man who loved me understood why I didn't dwell on the past or plan for the future.  I suppose that could come off as being unserious, especially when I toss in random jokes, but there is one thing I want you to never doubt: you will _never_ end up like Bethany.  She stopped me from saving her, and now, you won't have that option. I would kill any Templar who tried to take you, because I would be unable to live with failing someone else like that."

                "You haven't failed anyone, Douglas."

                "I failed my family and myself," the rogue snapped but quickly grasped at his composure and continued, "but that is not the point.  If I had to kill every last Templar to keep you safe, I would, and I will do that regardless of your decision to be with me or not.  One has nothing to do with the other.  Do you understand?"

                Anders shifted behind him, probably trying to read his expression before responding with a breathless, "Yes."

                Douglas nodded again, sincerely hoping the mage knew he was completely serious.  He whispered quietly, "I would die before resigning you to any fate of the Templars," more of a promise to himself than to Anders, not even sure the mage heard him in the first place.  Douglas spoke up again, "I have also been meaning to thank you for taking Merrill home last week. I forgot I had left her stranded when I stormed off.  I do it out of a need to make sure you two are safe, just the way I was raised I guess, but you didn't have to, I know you two don't get along."

                "I did it for you.  I felt I needed to, because you couldn't."

                "I know you did." Douglas' lips twitched in a faint smile, glancing at Anders out of the corner of his eye before looking back into the darkness.  "So, back to the other thing you did for me that night.  Like I said before, no one asked what I wanted.  So, I have been thinking about that question myself, and I know my answer, but the reason I came here was to ask you: what do you want, Anders?"

                The mage swallowed, saying quietly, "I don't want you to end up all alone, because you chose to be with me."

                "The next time I go the Bone Pit, I could be swallowed whole by a ginormous dragon, and then you would be the one all alone, but I didn't ask you what you didn't want for me.  I asked what you wanted for yourself, and not what you think is best or right, what my mother wants, or what you think I want.  Take everyone else out of it, and what do you want for your life?  I didn't expect an answer now anyway, I'll wait for it," Douglas stood up, and after a pause added, "I need to go to the Wounded Coast tomorrow, you are welcome to come if you like."

                "Yes."

                "Okay, well, get some sleep and meet me at The Hanged Man around ten.  I have a couple of things I need to do before we head out.  Goodnight, Anders."

                "Goodnight, Douglas."

                Douglas tried to go home and get some sleep too, but all the way back to the estate, he thought about Anders sleeping in the cold, damp clinic.  Now he was back, standing over the man who had finally fallen asleep. Watching him, Douglas couldn't help but think about how the curve of Anders’ back always fits so easily against his chest, and how the mage's hair smelled after he had taken a bath. Douglas always nuzzling Anders' neck and wrapping his arm around the other man's waist to hold his hand before they went to sleep.  Douglas took the blanket he had grabbed from the estate, Anders' favorite, especially fuzzy and warm, and tucked it gently around the sleeping man before brushing his lips against Anders' temple and returning home.


	8. Chapter 8

                “I didn’t do it out of some trick to get him back, Isabela, but you were right, I unintentionally hurt him, so I went to apologize,” Douglas explained the purpose of his actions as they made their way to the Gallows the next morning.

                “No wonder people are falling all over themselves to get you; you are a natural at this game and don’t even realize it.”

                “This isn’t a game, Isabela.”

                “And yet all the tricks work on just about everyone.”

                “I don’t see how apologizing to the man I love and making sure he doesn’t freeze to death is a trick.”

                “Trick is a bad word, because you didn’t use it in the sense to trick him, but it would have worked as one too.  Like I said, you’re a natural.”

                Douglas rolled his eyes, “I don’t want to trick him into coming back.”

                “So, you are giving up?”

                “No, but I don’t want to force him back into something he may not even want.”

                “Please, he would be crazy not to come back now.”  Douglas raised an eyebrow at her.  “What?  I never said I was sane.”

                “Well, this isn’t just about what I want in this moment anymore.  I’m not going to be content just to see where it leads; if he comes back, I want it to be for good.”

                “And hearts will shatter all over Thedas as Douglas Hawke is permanently taken off the market.”

                “I think Thedas is a bit overreaching…  Kirkwall and whoever is left from Lothering, maybe,” he smirked at her.

                “For now, but you are starting to make quite a name for yourself, and I don’t think it stops at these walls.”

                “Please, what have I done that is so important?”

                She shrugged as the boat docked, and they disembarked from the small craft, walking through the large gate.  Douglas scanned the courtyard trying to find the crates he needed, but his gaze fell on Cullen almost immediately and his arrival hadn’t gone unnoticed by the Knight-Captain either.  They stared icily at each other, and Isabela shivered, “Let’s go, big fella, before you two start giving me some really wicked ideas,” and she pushed at his shoulder in the direction they needed to go.

                He complied with her urging, saying “You distract the harbormaster’s assistant, while I ensure our dear friend, Ser Conrad, gets his special delivery. And then, back to the Hanged Man to meet Anders and Fenris,” and both set off on their tasks to frame the Templar.

*   *   *

                Douglas must have had a temporary moment of insanity when he had invited both Fenris and Anders to the Wounded Coast, because when he and Isabela reached the Hanged Man, Anders was stumbling backward, holding his jaw, while Fenris was pointing a finger and yelling, “I warned you, mage.”

                Douglas launched himself at the elf, slamming Fenris against the wall with a dagger seemingly procured from thin air to the warrior’s throat. “Don’t fucking touch him!”  Douglas snarled in rage, his jaw clenched and breathing heavily like a wild animal.

                Isabela and Anders both announced their shock with a “Hawke!” and “Douglas!” at the same time, the rogue still focused on the warrior pinned to the wall who was looking shocked as well.  Douglas blinked a couple of times before a memory flashed in his mind, and he released the elf quickly who also seemed to be having the same thought of a single night almost a year prior before the rogue stepped away.

                Fenris looked toward the ground, his platinum hair curtaining his olive eyes, “I’m sorry, Hawke.”

                Douglas relaxed, “Just… don’t do it again.  And… I’m sorry too.”  The rogue walked over to Anders, “Are you alright?” tilting the mage’s chin so he could inspect the wound, a nasty bruise all ready forming with cuts bleeding from the elf’s taloned gauntlet.  His jaw set in anger again, and a couple of guilty tears welled up, this was caused by him, and he frowned at it before looking into amber eyes.

                Anders rested his hand over Douglas’, “I’m fine.”  The wound healed under their hands, and Anders smiled back at him, “See?”  Douglas nodded, just staring into the eyes of his former lover before Anders gave his hand a slight squeeze, then returned his to a robed side.  Douglas reluctantly followed suit, certain his expression matched the disappointment he felt at the loss of contact.  Anders was still smiling slightly at him, even though his voice conveyed a bit of his own sadness when he spoke again, “I wanted to thank you… for the blanket I mean.”

                Douglas gave a tiny smile of his own, “I knew it was your favorite, and I thought you might be cold.”  
                “That was very thoughtful and generous.  It will definitely come in handy.”

                Douglas just stared at him for a few moments, mentally kicking himself for not letting the mage freeze; he might have come home sooner.  He was about to resort to his begging option, not wanting either of them to spend another night in a cold bed, but Isabela must have read it in his face and jumped in, “Well, we should get a move on before that Templar comes back to finish his drinking.”

                Douglas shook his head quickly to break the trance he was in under Anders’ gaze, looking at the ground a moment to blink away the tears that seemed to be ever present anymore.  Gaze moving back up to his best friend, he gave an impish grin, “Ser Roderick?  That man was so sloshed I’m surprised he even knew who he was let alone Ser Conrad.  If the plan works with that Templar pointing the finger, Mistress Selby should give me a medal,” Douglas chuckled.

                Anders asked a bit shocked, whispering softly, “Mistress Selby?”

                Douglas looked back at him with a raised eyebrow, giving a single nod.  Understanding of Anders’ shock set in, and he lowered his brow before saying seriously, “Your views were never just tolerated with me, Anders. I thought you knew that.”  Anders swallowed but didn’t say anything else, and after another moment of silence, Douglas turned to Fenris who was still standing several feet away brushing himself off and checking his feet.  “Are you going to be alright, or should I send for Aveline?”

                Fenris said sharply, “I’m fine.”  
                Douglas just nodded.  He didn’t know why the elf continued to hang around when they clearly didn’t see eye to eye, even rarer that they got along.  Douglas could only figure was that they had found some use for each other, but he did wonder even more now why Fenris would even care if Douglas did get his heart broken.  “Alright, let’s get out of here before the groupies realize I’m here.”

                The three men made for the exit, all missing Isabela’s eyes lighting up before a sly grin crossed her lips, and she followed them out.


	9. Chapter 9

                Fenris growled, “I can’t believe you dragged me along to save another mage,” throwing himself in his chair in Varric’s room.

                Isabela sat down in hers, plopping her boots on the table while Douglas flopped into the seat on the end, glaring at the elf.  Anders had followed in silently, sitting in his chair next to Douglas’ although Hawke was too preoccupied with the surly elf to jump for joy at the move.  The mage had been quiet the whole trip to and from the Wounded Coast, only adding to the awkward silence between the four companions.  Isabela had tried to strike up conversation, especially with her best friend, but her attempts failed, and she finally huffed into her own muteness. 

                Douglas retorted to the seething elf, “Apologies.  Next time, I won’t ask for your help.  Better still: how about I leave you rotting up there in Hightown with the rest of that decrepit mansion?  You seem to fancy the idea yourself, maybe I should leave you to it.”

                Varric raised an eyebrow in interest but said nothing, ordering a round of drinks for the table with a simple hand gesture while Isabela rolled her eyes at the argument.

                Fenris snapped back, “I don’t recall asking you to butt in!”

                “You don’t, do you?  Not four years ago that started your squatting, lying in wait like some giant spider for Danarius?  And not earlier this year with Hadriana?”

                Fenris squinted at Douglas.  “Forgive me.  I figure with all the trouble you lead me into maybe once in a while you would like to return the favor.” 

                The drinks arrived mid-argument but were ignored by the participants of the squabble.  Anders looked vaguely embarrassed but mostly lost in his own little world; Isabela appeared bored while behind Varric’s brown eyes one could actually see the pens churning out another story based on the notes from this showdown.  All attention snapped to the conversation with Isabela doing her damnedest not to spit her drink across the room when Fenris shouted, “Just because you want to get back into the mage’s pants doesn’t mean you have to drag the rest of us along for the ride.”

                Douglas’ jaw hit the table for a few seconds before he responded in a hiss, “Forgive me if we can’t all be hypocritical, _selfish_ assholes like you.  Some of us actually _do_ care how others are treated for being what they are instead of whining about what was done to them and only wanting revenge for themselves.”

                “So, we should all be mage-loving pushovers like you?”

                “Why are you even here, you…”

               Isabela jumped in, “Boys!  Boys!  Now we all know where the name calling leads you two, so either knock it off, or get a room. Unless you intend to put on a show.  Not that I am objecting to that… just let me move my drink.”  She sat forward, grabbing the mentioned mug and taking a sip with amused, raised eyebrows.  Douglas’ eyes went wide while he snapped his mouth shut, and Fenris looked down at the table, curtaining his face with his hair again and absently toying with the red sash around his wrist.  Anders bristled at the comment, becoming so suddenly stiff the feathers of his pauldrons actually bounced.  Isabela smirked at the reaction, although her gaze never actually stayed on the blond man, moving instead to the dwarf.  The pirate muttered in a sly purr, “Mmm, Varric, I feel another cooperation incoming.  ‘ _In the company of an audience, the two gave the appearance they despised each other, but behind closed doors publicly barbed tongues could not get enough of the taste of one another…_ ’”

Varric gave a hearty chuckle while musing, “That could work.”

                Douglas growled in warning, “Isabela…”

                She chuckled, “Oh please, Hawke, don’t pretend you wouldn’t love it.  I have seen your tattered copies of the other ones we have penned.”

                Douglas’ pale cheeks slightly stained pink, which only prompted more laughter from the other two rogues.  Hawke defended himself, “I am supportive of my friends and their hobbies; is that such a crime?”

                Varric answered, “Of course not, Hawke.”

                Isabela muttered into her mug, “ _The talented tongue, so often used to charm information out of unsuspecting victims now traced the lines of the other man’s tattoos…_ ”

Douglas roared, “ISABELA!”

                She snickered but stopped her line of thought, taking a swig of her drink.  Her eyes were down cast but watching Anders redden in anger at the implanted vision.

                 A chair shot across the floor, dragging everyone’s attention to Fenris as he turned and left the room without a word.  Isabela frowned slightly; she would have to go apologize now but later, when it wasn’t so obvious.

                Douglas shook his head, picking up his bought drink and draining the glass dry before standing himself.  “ _Thanks_ for the help.”

                She nodded, a bit abashed, before he turned and left the room also.  When Anders hurriedly followed after him a minute later, a sly smile spread across her face as she waggled her eyebrows at the chuckling dwarf and she reached over, snagging the mage’s untouched drink.

               

*   *   *

                Booted feet were chewing through the distance from the tavern back to Hightown at a rate that could only be fueled by anger.  What was that blasted woman thinking?  Why didn’t she just pour that swill the tavern served over him and ask Anders to set him on fire next time? 

                “Douglas, wait!”

                The rogue paused at Anders’ voice, cursing himself under his breath for once again leaving without thought of the mage’s safety.  He swallowed hard as running footsteps caught up with him and glanced at the blond without a word.  His mood was already sour and he really didn’t want to make things worse with Anders because of it.

                The mage suddenly appeared bashful, stammering slightly as he spoke, “I wanted to thank you, for saving Terrie’s friend.  I know you don’t hear it often enough.”

                “Thank you, Anders,” Douglas replied, although he was certain Terrie would be as grateful as the rest of this blighted city.  “Your help was, of course, greatly appreciated.”

                Anders smiled then, causing Douglas’ pulse to quicken even more than it already was. “Anytime.”

                “Shall I walk you… back to your clinic?”  The rogue had almost said home, but he still considered the estate as the mage’s home.

                Anders was still smiling as he nodded, and they moved to Darktown side-by-side in companionable silence. 

*   *   *

                Another couple of weeks, another meeting after another night in a cold, empty bed, but Anders was at least there this night.  Surprisingly, everyone was.  Douglas figured he had seen the last of the elf for at least a little while after their latest tiff, but he was proven wrong.  Fenris even seemed to be in a good mood as he sat next to Isabela.  The whole table appeared to be in good spirits, except for Douglas.  The rogue was nervous.  He was still waiting on his answer from Anders, and at this point, he was wondering if he was going to get one at all.  His attention wasn’t even in the room anymore as he was trying to figure out how he could get a response if outright asking hadn’t worked.

                The pirate had apologized about her behavior later the same night after their Wounded Coast adventure, although Douglas knew she wasn’t completely sincere.  She was up to something; he could tell, but he dropped it.  He didn’t need any more problems within the group.  Even Aveline was acting quiet around him, as if the first time she figured out he had been into her was when Anders mentioned it while Isabela was flip-flopping between concern and plotting.  Merrill and Varric were the only ones acting “normal” around him.

                Varric announced, “Alright, let’s move this celebration outside; looks like a good night for mingling.”

                Douglas blinked back to the room as everyone stood.  Mingling was normal, it was how the rogues made their livings, but he had the feeling he missed something.  He whispered to Isabela as they made their way to the bar, “What are we celebrating?”

                She chuckled, muttering back, “The fact we are all together again, and no one tried to kill anyone else?  Seems like a good enough reason to me.”  She shrugged indifferently and added, “I think Varric had a contact to chat with also.”

                Douglas nodded, that made sense he guessed.  The crowd seemed more over abundant than normal, and he could swear that he was garnering a lot more attention than he should have been.  He tried to ignore it, passing it off on the fact he was still on edge about Anders and wondering if there really wasn’t a chance for them anymore.

                Before he could even order a drink at the bar, he was approached on both sides by two women, blonde twins apparently; both offering sympathies for his recent break up all though they didn’t sound the least bit sorry.  He nodded and offered his gratitude for their fake concern, curious to know how they knew that and ordered his drink.  Not that he had to, Corff knew what he wanted and special ordered it just for him.  He needed a drink tonight, more accurate to say: he needed to drink tonight after being without his man for a month.

                Anders seemed to be fielding his own crowd, which Douglas frowned at.  He wasn’t sure if it was because of the attention the mage was getting or the expression on the mage’s face.  Anders looked slightly upset by whatever conversations were taking place, though an occasional tight-lipped smile passed across his features.

                Another patron, a thin, long-haired, brunette man this time, jumped past the pleasantries with Douglas and went straight forward to what he wanted which the rogue cocked an eyebrow at the boldness of the ‘request’ of a backroom and heavy breathing.  Douglas dismissed him with a faux flattered response but admitted he just wasn’t ready for the suggestions just yet.

                Douglas looked at Isabela in shocked amusement.  “Can you believe this?”

                “Not at all,” she said while suppressing her laughter.

                Within minutes, Douglas shooed off another, a dark-haired woman, taking a sip of his drink with a glance over his shoulder at Anders who was still having his own problems.  The rogue was used to banishing two or three people throughout a night that approached him on their own accord, or making a pass himself when he needed something, but this was just odd.  Douglas glanced back at Isabela who was trying to choke down her laughter with her ale, and he squinted at her.  “What did you do?”

                Her mouthed formed an oh of shock, but she didn’t look at him, “I didn’t do anything.”

                “Isabela…”

                “Okay, okay…  I may know what’s going on…” She shifted her weight, saying coyly, “It might have slipped somewhere that you were back on the market.”

                “ _Might_ have?  Have you lost your mind?”

                “Why do you naturally assume it was me?”

                “Who else would it be?”

                “Oh, I don’t know… Varric, Corff… me… a combination of those three.”

                “Why in the Void would you all do something like that?”

                “One, it’s good for business, all types.  You know that.  Two, it doesn’t hurt to try and boost our friend’s ego a little bit with some shameless flirting…”

                Douglas cut in, “But Anders…”

                Isabela interrupted back, setting down her drink and looking at Douglas seriously, “If Anders doesn’t like the thought of you with someone else, maybe it’s because you aren’t supposed to be with someone else.  Moving on is part of the breaking up process, Hawke, he can’t expect you to wait forever… none of us could.”  Douglas blinked at her in answer, slightly astonished with her frankness.  “Besides, it wasn’t like any of us actually expected you to hop into bed with anyone.  Maker knows it took you long enough to do that with anyone in Kirkwall, although with the way you talk, I dare say we missed out in Ferelden.”

                Douglas smirked at that, “Blight and certain death does tend to change a guy’s view on some things, especially when someone you tried to hop in the sack with ends up saving the whole of Thedas for the woman he loved.”

                Isabela nodded, having had met the couple mentioned herself.  “He’ll come around, Hawke.  Until then, enjoy being single one last time.”

                Douglas laughed at that, “Well, when you put it that way…”


	10. Chapter 10

                Melanie and Phoebe had made excellent company after the blonde twins were called back over.  Isabela was right; this evening was just what he had needed as he stumbled out the door of The Hanged Man, leaving all three lovely ladies to continue without him.  Now, he just had to point his feet in the right direction and hope not to end up back at the bottom of the stairs to Hightown in a broken, giggling heap.

                "Douglas?"

                _Shit!_ He forgot Anders again. _…Wait… wasn't that the point_?  Swaying slightly when he turned, or at least he had thought it was slightly, he flailed in the air and laughed while looking blurrily at the blond hurrying after him.

                Anders looked up him in surprise while dodging flying limbs.  "Are you alright?"

                Douglas smiled broadly, "Perfect!  Why do you ask?"

                A blond eyebrow rose at the statement. "No reason."  Douglas just continued to smile, swaying like tall grass in a breeze; even stumbling a couple steps while standing in what was supposed to be one spot.  "I think… I better see you home."

                "Oh, no no no no no.  I'm the one that is supposed to walk you home, remember?"

                "In your current state, I think going up may be safer than down.  Besides, once we get you settled, I can use the Darktown entrance to get back."

                Douglas looked like he was going to object for all of a second before his face went blank, and he blinked in confusion.  "What?"

                Anders shook his head, "Nothing.  Let's go."

                "Where are we going?"

                Anders let out an exasperated sigh, "I'm taking you home."

                "Oh, ho, are you now?  Well, let me tell you, sir, I'm not that easy to seduce."

                Anders started leading Douglas back to the estate, keeping a wary eye on the stumbling man.  "I know."

                "You do?"

                "Yes."

                "Oh."  Douglas was silent for a few moments, "Well, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try, because that could be fun, too."

                Anders tried not to chuckle, "I'll keep that in mind."

                "Please do."  Douglas stared at the ground, making his way carefully over what his eyes perceived as rough terrain but was just normal cobbled stone.  Once the "threat" had passed, he looked back up at Anders again.  "I lied, didn't I?"

                Anders looked up himself in confusion. "Lied about what?"

                "I never could say no to you, could I?"  Stubbled cheeks flushed at the question while amber eyes looked back toward making sure the drunken man made it back to his estate in one piece.  "I'm sorry, I'll work on that."

                "Work on what?"

                "Saying no."

                "You don't have to do that."

                "Oh yes, I do.  It's more to myself anyway.  That little blush makes me want to see more flushed skin."  The redness in Anders' cheeks deepened, and Douglas snickered, "That was not the skin I was talking about."

                "I know."

                "See, I'm sorry," Douglas apologized again, "I shouldn't have said that."  Douglas sighed, "I should go home before I embarrass myself."

                "You are going home."

                "Oh… right."  Douglas pulled himself up along the railing. "Might as well strike embarrassing myself from the list, too."

                "You're not…"

                "I did."

 

*   *   *

 

                The next morning, Douglas sat up with a start, ready to make what was now his normal quick exit from his bedroom.  His head was screaming, but he honestly couldn't say that hadn't become normal either in the past weeks.  His red rimmed eyes were blurry from more than just the previous night's activities, but he jumped with a start when they landed on the figure sitting at the desk watching him from its chair.  "Anders!"  He winced and grabbed his head, mumbling on, "What are you doing here?"

                "I was concerned; you drank enough to bring down a bronto last night."  The mage stood, moving closer to the bed.  "I'd never seen you that way before."

                "Well, now you have.  We all can't be paragons of soberness."  His voice was clawing at his brain, and he felt nauseous from the pain of it all only to have it topped off by the embarrassment of Anders to witness it.

                "That is not my choice."  Anders sat down on the edge bed beside Douglas, "Here, let me."

                The thought to object presented itself for a mere split second, but only because he missed the blond man too much to suffer the thought of his touch only for it to be taken away again.  The hangover quickly won over though, and he nodded instead.

                Anders placed his hands on either side of Douglas' head, and the blood drumming through his skull along with the blinding sting in his eyes disappeared with the caressing ebb and flow of magic, but it did nothing for the empty pit in the middle of his chest or the tears hovering for a different agony.  Anders asked, "Better?"

                Douglas nodded again, not looking up; embarrassment clawing higher now that the physical injuries had subsided.  Anders' hands returned to his own lap, but he made no move to leave or get up.  Douglas said quietly, "You don't have to stay; I'll be alright."

                "I know you will."  Anders' voice sounded sad at the confession, and Douglas looked up then to see the expression matched.

                Douglas searched the amber eyes and swallowed, knowing that statement referenced more than just this incident.  Douglas looked back down at his hands.  "I have my doubts."

                "I don't."  There was a moment of silence between the two before Anders went on, "When I first joined the Wardens, I thought I knew what I wanted.  But things change, and a pretty girl and a decent meal no longer are priorities."

                Anders stood, moving toward the fireplace with blue eyes following after the movement, "When I first moved in, I warned you I couldn't give you a normal life." He idly traced the mantle with a single fingertip as he spoke, "but when you asked, I realized that's all I really wanted for myself.  How can I even begin to make someone else happy when I'm never going to be able to do that for myself?"

                Douglas said quietly, "Maybe you can let me make you happy."

                "You cannot bear that burden, not when it may never be possible."

                "Yet, you think my happiness is yours to bear..."  Douglas' brow furrowed, "Were you not happy before?"

                Anders turned back to look at the man still sitting on the bed.  "Insanely so, but this is not normal."

                "What isn't normal about it?"

                "What _is_ normal about our lives?"

                "This.  This is normal.  Two people in love, trying to figure it out together.  What is there besides that?"

                "Safety.  Security.  Not worrying if one day you or the man you love is going to be snatched up and taken from you just for being born a certain way."

                "The world cannot stay this way, Anders.  It will change or it will burn itself to the ground."

                "And if it doesn't?"

                "Then why are you bothering trying to change it?"  Anders seemed a loss for words and turned back to the hearth.  Douglas shook his head, "If you give up on us now, you let them win."

                "Do you think I had not considered that?  That the thought makes this any easier for me?  Besides, you know that isn't the only factor."

                "So, what?  We are supposed to be miserable the rest of our unnaturally short lives?"

                "Not we."

                "Does it not look like _we_ to you?"

                "You just need some time is all."

                "It's been a month; do I seem any better to you?"  Douglas snapped back.  "How do you expect me to, knowing that the man I love and loves me is deliberately keeping us apart?"

                Feathered shoulders slumped followed by broader bare ones at the sight.  Douglas swallowed, looking back at the comforter for a few moments before he took a shaky breath.  "A normal life...."  There was a small nod from both men not looking at the other. "I get it."  He moved closer to the edge of the bed, placing his feet on the ground.  "I suppose if I had been told I couldn't have something all my life that would be what I would want to."

                Douglas stood, making for the washroom on the verge of tears again and angry with himself over that fact.  He mumbled, "I just wish you would have figured out you wanted a wife and kids before now."

                There was a shocked gasp but it still took a couple of seconds before boots started hurriedly following after him.  "Douglas," a hand wrapped around his upper arm and tugged trying to get him to stop, but it was brushed away.  "Douglas!  That is not what I meant!"

                Douglas paused mere feet from the doorway. "Then what do you mean, Anders?  What is it that you want?  And why isn't it me that can give it to you?"

                "Where you not listening?  I just told you…"

                "You told me you wanted normal.  You told me you wanted safety.  You were also the one that asked if you could move in here just for that very reason."  Douglas looked over his shoulder, "You told me you were happy, but for some reason, that’s just not good enough for you."

                "Douglas, I don't want you to end up alone."

                Douglas shook his head, "Irony being, I am alone."  He turned to go carry out the always normal start for the day, a wash, closing the door behind him.

                The door opened a few seconds later to find Douglas looking up in surprise with tears streaming down his face.  Anders said, "Stop it.  Stop running away from me."

                Douglas swiped at his tearstained cheeks. "I didn't run from you; you ran from me."

                "You are always running.  Do you think I don't know what it is you are trying to hide?"

                "What?  Should I just cry in front of you?  Would that make it better?  Any easier?"

                Anders shook his head slowly, "No."

                "Then why should I do it?"  Douglas looked down at the basin before him. "I have no wish to make this any harder on you."

                They both were at a loss for words, but any further conversation was interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door.  Bodahn announced blonde twins, sounding rather reluctant to do so.  Douglas acknowledged, looking over Anders a moment before hastily washing his face and exiting the washroom to get dressed, leaving the other man where he stood.


End file.
